And Today..

And today my self hate has increased if that is even possible. I hate myself for not being able to bear the consequences of my actions. What I did, has made me and others around me feel so much pain. 

And today the pain has increased to the point my breathing becomes ragged, my head aches and my legs trembling. Im a mess.

And today I realised how much I have changed. So much has changed me and its not for the better. I might look cheerful and optimistic outside but inside Im just crumbling to pieces. I feel lonely. I keep going to her place, walking around alone for hours. All this while, I have always speculated what is it that makes me feel so depressed when Im alone. And I finally have the answer.

And today I realised when I was just 14, I found someone who sparked something in me that will never, ever die. It dims sometimes, it burns bright sometimes, but one thing for sure, it never goes away. When the flame burns bright, it keeps me going. Personally, as normal person. But this flame, though it keeps me alive, it burns the people around me.

And why? What have I done to deserve this curse? To love without being able to love completely, fully, recklessly and willingly.